A Name In Your Recollection

I wonder if he knows.

For a few hours,
a few days,
for a few fleeting moments,
he allowed me to forget.

In a whirlwind of pain,
he gave me brief escape.

I couldn't give him what he asked of me,
couldn't be what he needed.

For that, I am sorry.
Truly.

But I will always be grateful
that he unknowingly,
yet willingly
took some weight off my shoulders,
left me unencumbered
and able to fly free.

I was me.
Again.
Just long enough to remember
myself.

So thank you.
Your capacity to love is far greater than you know.

The Desert Is The Same On The Other Side

Do you ever think about what your life might be like
if you had never met a certain person?
It might be anyone.
Imagine how, if they had never existed in your world,
your circumstances may be completely different than they are now.

I know this is a pointless thought.
We can't truly know how subtracting certain variables in our lives might change the end results.
But still... I think about it.

Realizing that I could say the words
"I wish I never met you"
to someone, and actually mean it?
It floored me.

And, to be honest, it made me extremely sad.

But the facts don't lie, even when we lie to ourselves.
If the negative influences,
bad experiences,
and emotional distress
outweigh all the positive, beautiful things that a person has brought to our lives...
Then it's difficult not to feel this way.

Still, we have no control of the past, only the future.
So beware the arrogant and self-serving.
They'll never stop to care about how they affect you.

As for you - don't assume.
Don't assume you know who I speak of.
Because maybe...

I wish I never met you.

But there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

No One To Cry To, No Place To Call Home

I fooled them.
Tough words and careless shrugs - everyone will buy it.

I wouldn't wish those old feelings on anyone,
certainly not myself.
But they've made a home in the pit of my stomach,
to constantly make me sick
and brings tears over years upon years of hurt that go unfixed.

But they believe it doesn't matter to me.

No one knows me well enough to know better.
That in itself is what makes me sad.

My own fault, perhaps.

Take A Bite, Do A Dance & Get Lost On A Crusade

If I ever feel unappreciated again

in any aspect of my crazy li'l life,

this is my reminder 

to get up,

get out

and get happy.

Just go.

With all the amazing people and opportunities around,

why waste time on on the negative or controlling?

Life is too short to be chained to bad situations.

So I'm leaving them all behind.

You can't catch me.
But you can try.

Run Around On Me, Die Without

Not too long ago, my mom and I were talking, and she told me something that was somehow surprising yet not unfamiliar. While I don't recall it word for word, the gist looks like this:

"You love to be loved. You love being in love with someone, being loved, and being in relationships.

But you don't love yourself, and you never have. You can't have love with someone else if you don't love yourself. It won't work. You need to know you can always depend on you."

I've heard most of these words many times in my life. Especially the "you don't love yourself" part.

Ask my ex. My counsellor. Friends. Family. Hell, even strangers who just met me.

It has apparently always been a very obvious fact that I was not my own fan, yet I'd disagree with anyone who told me that. While fully admitting to being insecure, I'd always follow up with the ol' "I'm a cool chick. I'm smart. I'm fun. What's not to love? Sure, I love me!"

Liar, liar...

Are you guys ready for it? Cuz this doesn't happen often. Hardly ever, really. But...

You all were right. Happy?

A lot of the time I detested who I was. I never thought I was good enough because I let other people make me feel that way. From childhood to adulthood, I completely bought into the negatives that I was told by people who knew I was an easy target.

It ruined a lot of things for me.

In certain relationships, I always worried that the person I loved wished they were with someone else. Someone smarter, prettier, better... The key word was always "better". And maybe they did wish for someone better. But those who didn't, those who felt truly lucky and happy to be in love with the imperfect me? I pushed them away with my worries. More than once, I've pushed them away. My walls were high; often unscalable.

I've broken people while breaking myself.

This is what being alone is all about. You get to know yourself, and re-calculate who you are. It's new to me; I had never been alone. This was a long time coming.

I posted that letter to myself  to show what I had learned.

Because while it's true that I love to love, be loved, and am happiest in relationships - I can also finally say that I'm happy with me.  I'm not perfect, and I still have insecurities. Hell, I'm human. But I am also pretty great, and I deserve great things. We all do.

I'm well aware of the fact that I do things knowing I may be hurt. I've given others the power to hurt me, and have often hurt myself in the process. But in a strange way that I expect no one else to understand, I allow things to happen because I do love and respect myself more now. I sometimes just expect the same respect from others.

It is hardwired in our brains to automatically be afraid that we aren't good enough or that we don't have enough. This is a fact. I fell into the first category, and am now learning how to control it. Have you?

So... Other than to let you know that you were right, this long-winded post is not for you. It's for me.

In fact, this entire blog is not for you. It's for me. Each entry is a key step in a long process that gets me to where I want to be. I write them, I read them, I re-read them, I learn.

I'm nowhere near "good", but I'm better than I've been.

This chapter is closed.

Only In Dreams

A year of vindication
is nothing to boast.
What's the use in being right
when wrong could mean contentment?
I could thank my instincts
for always correctly raising the white flag,
And then apologize
for ignoring it. Or trying to.
Ignorance may be bliss
but knowledge brings reality
(while simultaneously making one crazy).
So, to my life and those playing parts in it,
Thank you.
For proving what I've always known -
That I am always right.
Except, of course,
when I am completely
and utterly
wrong.

I'm Not Calling You A Liar; Just Don't Lie To Me

"I thought I loved you. I truly did.

I could write a never-ending list of your positive traits. Defend you against all who tried to bring you down.  I knew your worth; at least, I told myself I did. But after awhile, the negative words of others just stuck. Insecurity and doubt seeped in and my perception of you changed. I believed them instead of you. They broke you down and so I broke down at your side.

So I lied.

I didn't love you the way I meant to. I couldn't love you the way I tried.

But now?

I know better.

You aren't a victim. You aren't entitled. You are human, guided by fear. What you have is choice. You owe nothing to anyone but yourself, and you choose how others affect you. You can choose to fight fear.

Let them try to hurt you. You cannot be touched, unless you allow it.

Knowing what I know now, and knowing who you can be, I can honestly say that I love you and who you are.

And I'm not alone."


If you wrote a letter to yourself, would it look anything like mine?

Have you learned what I've learned?

Always Felt Like I Was Outside, Looking In On You

There's something to be said about dredging up the past
Looking it square in the eye
Deciphering the codes and unravelling the knots.

Some say it's the only way to free yourself;
lift the weight.

Others believe it's pointless;
Focusing on negatives instead of concentrating on a happy future.

What do I think?

I agree with both.

Sometimes in order to understand your present self,
you need to look back
at mistakes
at successes
at the path your head, heart, soul and body have taken you.

Live, learn, grow,
Thrive.

And with that knowledge in hand,
you can move forward
with a clear picture of what makes you happy.

Focus is everything; so is perspective.

They are easily lost in the white noise,
but re-gained when you learn to love who you are.

Easily said, difficult to do
to be sure.

I still have a lot to learn.

Did They Get You To Trade Your Heroes For Ghosts?

I've recently realized just how many people live their entire lives like a game. They play with people. Nothing is completely real, based on emotion or actual feeling - it's strategic. A means to an end that is somehow considered "winning".

It's tiring. As someone who has been a game-piece and as an outsider who has stood by and watched other pieces played... it is honestly draining.

I may not always do the smart thing. I absolutely am driven by feelings and emotions and I sometimes let my brain take a backseat. That isn't always bad - in fact, it's as real as you can get. Feelings are meant to be felt. Emotions acted upon, within reason.

But for those who play games? Well, they can't be read. They are often selfish and arrogant to the point that they are no longer remotely aware of how others may feel. And if they were? It wouldn't matter. It's part of the win.

That's why lately it's been beyond refreshing to meet some people who have absolutely no time for games.

They're about honesty. Being forthright. Everything is right on the table; everyone knows where they stand. No questions.

This is how it should be.

The only game I wanna play is Scrabble.

Speak To Me & Don't Speak Softly

Tie me to the bed.
Strap me down.
Secure me.

Lock me away from the world.
No contact. No triggers.

Let me sweat it out.
Scream it out.
Get it out.

Ignore my pleas.
My mind is not well.
I am under influence.

Drain the poison.
Fix me.

It's rehab,
For my addiction.
For your addiction.
We feed on the pain.

Please.

Cure my soul.

Disappointed & Passed Over

I've become far too used to tears.

It seems they're present more often than not, to the point that I sometimes don't even notice that I'm crying.

When an outburst of tears came today, I had to wonder when all this started.

I didn't used to cry much.

I was sad, sure. Depressed. Unhappy.

But I rarely cried.

Somewhere in the past few years, it all changed.

And now, lately, I sometimes am unable to even speak without tears.

There's too much anger.

Too much pain, sadness and disappointment.

And other feelings that I couldn't begin to describe.

I honestly feel as though I'm going crazy.

I know I'm better than this.

But right now it's getting the better of me.

I have to fight it. And I will.

I just can't find the strength yet.

This is the bottom.

I have to get up.

Choke Me In The Shallow Water

Sometimes all I wish
is to be a part of
what you're part of.

To wear your words
like a second skin.

To take comfort
in their meaning;
wrap myself
in their warmth.

But these thoughts lack possibility.
Existence in itself is cruel.

Because you are not you.
You do not exist,
as far as this moment is concerned.

And this moment
is all I know.

But if you are not
who you cannot
or will not
be...

Then who am I?

Push The Little Daisies

He was so young.
Head tilted toward the ground
Shyly extending his hand.
A bouquet,
For the first girl he ever loved.

Gathering the courage to look up,
He caught her eye.

At an age when dolls could pass the afternoon,
And the sound of ice cream trucks sent excitement
Down their still-growing spines,
- she did not understand the concept of love.
She did not understand what he asked of her.

So she ran.
And he was left alone.
With little boy tears,
And a handful of wilting daisies.

He awoke with a start.
A man; Not a boy.
Alone.
Life had cruelly passed him by.
But some things remained the same.

Love continued to run away.
Over and over in his mind.
And he would forever chase her,
With wilted daisies
And a hopeful heart.

The look in her eyes had haunted the boy,
And so haunted the man.

He Knows That The Taste Is Such, Such To Die For

I started today by crying.
Just after midnight. Couldn't stop it.
For a lot of the day, it continued. Random times, random reasons.
The tears have a mind of their own and I'm helpless to stop them.

This doesn't happen all the time.
But there are certain days, like today, where the depression knocks me on my ass and leaves me breathless.
Mock me, if you must.
That just means you're lucky enough not to know what it feels like.
I realize it's a chemical imbalance, and there are triggers.
Dirty, nasty little triggers.

I am lonely.
Not just lonely, but alone.
I am rarely able to leave my house for more than a walk with my dog.
And so, I sit here. Alone. And I stew.
On some occasions I welcome the silence and enjoy the peace.
But most of the time I just feel hollowed out. Like my entire life is being lived elsewhere;
Without me.

I speak to my friends, and it usually revolves around the words
"I miss you".
I may be a passing thought to them, but they are in my head daily.
And some contact leaves me confused.
Words of love; words of sadness; words of hurt.
And then it all boils down to hurt.
Kept within arm's reach,
Thrown out with the trash,
Brought back in for a hug of comfort and need.
Only to start the cycle again.
Over and over, I yell to myself.
"Let go!"
But the loneliness won't let me.

Fake a smile.
Pretend.
They'll believe me.

I desperately long to get to where I should be.
It seems the harder I work to get there, the less likely it is.
Positivity is waning.
I know my worth and what I deserve.
I HAVE to get there.

But I worry so much
That it'll be too late by then.
And the life I craved will have passed me by.

Today was a low today.
So, too, will tomorrow be.
But low or not, I must push forward.
Or lose everything to time.

Timeline from 19

I left because I lost that feeling.

Said "yes" because I wanted more.

Cried because you gave no reason.

Laughed because you crawled right back.

I quit because I needed something.

I started 'cause it felt so free.

Said "bye" because it wasn't working.

Said "hi" because I took a chance.

I moved because of new beginnings.

Struggled 'cause life tests your strength.

I worked because I found my place.

Ate little 'cause there was no choice.

I loved because the heart is giving.

But lost because we couldn't win.

Cried once more for all that mattered.

And left to start it all again...

Monday Randoms

When my little chick dog makes weird pig noises, I giggle and fall more in love with her.

When she curls up on my lap and sighs, I will always smile.

When she gets over-excited to see me when I come home, I feel good.

Wherever I am, as long as this dog is with me, it'll always feel like home.

But when she rolls around in worm guts and expects to be allowed in my bed?

Tough shit, sweetie.

Not even the most beautiful man in the world would be welcome in my bed smelling like....that.

Moral of the story? Love only gets ya so far.

Yuck.

May Nothing But Happiness Come Through Your Door

Regrets are truly an awful thing to have.



So I'm sorry
About the ones you have now
And those you've yet to realize.



And I'm sorry
For my own.



But yours will be sadder when the clock runs out.

I Want You.

What I am wanting right now is something I don't have. And won't have for quite a while.

But it's in my brain. And as everything else starts to come together, it's the one thing I'll be missing.

I want to be wanted, needed, craved.

Whether old or new. Just the right one.



I want love. And I want it now.

Sting Like A Bee

Shortly, I'm going to be making two lists.

One is a list of the things that have made me angry
or upset me in recent memory
that I've been unable to let go of.

The other is a list of the ways I've upset myself
or let myself down
So I can learn
to never, ever do 'em again.

And, as I said, just let go.

I plan to take these lists
and destroy them.

Rip 'em, burn 'em, shred 'em,
Wherever the feeling takes me.

Ceremonial-type bullshit
not reserved for the sane.

From this, I'll gain perspective.

And move forward
without the weight of these things
on my tired shoulders.

Sometimes we all just need to
lighten up.

Watch me float.

If You See Me Gettin' Mighty

My life lately has been a series of walls.

A wall comes up to block my path,
I find a way to knock the damn thing down,
And up comes another one.

This process has been repeating itself over and over for months.
Whether big issues or small ones, it never fails.

I'll admit, at times it has slowed my stride considerably. Things come out of nowhere and I can't help but think it will break me. And if this one doesn't, the next will.

I'm not yet broken.
I know more walls are ahead.
But I'll knock em down and keep running.

I have somewhere to be, and I can't stop until I get there.

So get outta my way. Or I'll knock you down.

Reborn Left To Sigh...

Boredom.

Sometimes it just hits.
For an over-thinker, it's a death sentence.

Twiddle the thumbs.
Think some more.

Channel surf til the remote goes dead.
Think some more.

Look for people to lend an ear.
Think a little more.

This is why I keep busy.
This is why I have projects.
This is why I have big future plans.

But some days there's only so much ya can do.

And that, dear friends, is why some people have blogs.

Boredom.

The Orange Post-It

I recently came across a post-it note that I had taped to my desk at the radio station.

A co-worker and friend had told me about an old saying her elder relatives had taught her, so that she would use it throughout her life.

It was in Hebrew, but she had her grandfather translate it for me.

Once translated, the crux of this old saying was that you could judge a man by the way he handles:
his anger,
his drink,
and his pocket.

Meaning that if a man had a bad temper, drank too much and was not wise with his money, then you were smart to keep looking.

But if you found a man who had all of these under control, then he was a good man worth keeping.

So roughly a year ago, on this orange Post-It note, I wrote:

"His anger,
his drink,
& his pocket."

I did not want to forget.

For me, I think it's a great indicator for who you want in your life in general. Friends, lovers, male, female... everyone. Including myself.

I want to know that I am always in control of

my anger,
my drink,
and my pocket.

Perhaps this orange Post-It note needs a new place to remind me.

Ha.

It's funny how I continually sit in one spot for hours, while a 200 hundred page To Do list writes itself in my head.

It's funny how so many things can be happening at once, while nothing is happening at all.

It's funny that you gain strength in your weakest moments, and you learn the best things about yourself when you're unhappy.

It's funny how glimmers of hope and a need for more can keep you going. And so you turn thoughts into reality.

I may not be laughing.

But to me, it's all funny.

No Rest For The Wicked?

I didn't sleep alone last night.

Maybe I regret it now. I'm not sure.
It isn't something I normally do.

It was uncomfortable.
And hot.
Pressed up against me,
Ignoring my attempt to move away.

I meant to sleep alone.
I tried to say no.
But with my emotions currently in shreds,
And my heart sad,
I must have been feeling quite lonely.

The sadness kills you,
But the loneliness blurs your thoughts.

My bedmate was affectionate.
Perhaps more than I wanted.

And my morning greeting?
A wet lick to the face
Before she burrowed back under the covers
And sighed her little sigh.

And I know she'll always love me.

This Post Is To No One And Everyone.

I have issues.

Issues with myself, and issues in relationships.
Can't deny it, so this is me admitting it.

I have a crapload of issues.

I'm severely insecure. I'm jealous.
I suffer from depression. I overanalyze.
I fall too hard after fighting to not fall at all.
I'm stubborn, and I'm pretty much always right.
I naively want the forever-kinda-love.


So that's me. And I've always let these things ruin me. Bring me lower, and blame myself for failures.

But y'know what? Fuck that.

I'm also pretty friggin' awesome.
I'm insanely loyal. I'm supportive.
I love deeply.
I'd give you everything I owned if it would make you happy.

I'm fun. I'll make you laugh until you can only cry.
I'll drink more beer than you, but you'll be amused by it.
I'll sit and watch the game with you. And enjoy it.
I'll be in my element at a concert with you. And you'll enjoy it.
I'll make you wonder where I've been all your life.
And I'll make you love me.

So if I've allowed myself to be beaten down by others in the past,
or to feel unappreciated and unwanted,
and just plain not good enough...

That's their issue.

We all have many flaws.
But I will no longer let you, or anyone, make me feel like less
because of mine.

Youth

I wonder what you were like before.
Who you were.
How you thought.

A different version of what you are now?
Maybe something more vibrant, more alive.

Life has a way of beating us down.
To become less than who we thought we were.

We go through pictures to remember the times.
Remember the laughs and hopeful dreams.
But sometimes all we see is how the years have passed.
And that we're just not who we once were.

You are no different, yet you're not at all the same.

I yearn to have known that you.
Being the me that I am now.

Take another picture of what hope looks like.

Fairytales

Well.

I suppose everything sorted itself out after my last post on December 3rd.

Changes have been made. My old life, as I knew it, no longer exists.

New chapters. Scary, painful chapters.

Hopefully they will eventually bring me to that happy ending I've been yearning for.

But first, there are a few important and long chapters about

me

myself

and I.

This is where the story really gets interesting.