Disappointed & Passed Over

I've become far too used to tears.

It seems they're present more often than not, to the point that I sometimes don't even notice that I'm crying.

When an outburst of tears came today, I had to wonder when all this started.

I didn't used to cry much.

I was sad, sure. Depressed. Unhappy.

But I rarely cried.

Somewhere in the past few years, it all changed.

And now, lately, I sometimes am unable to even speak without tears.

There's too much anger.

Too much pain, sadness and disappointment.

And other feelings that I couldn't begin to describe.

I honestly feel as though I'm going crazy.

I know I'm better than this.

But right now it's getting the better of me.

I have to fight it. And I will.

I just can't find the strength yet.

This is the bottom.

I have to get up.

Choke Me In The Shallow Water

Sometimes all I wish
is to be a part of
what you're part of.

To wear your words
like a second skin.

To take comfort
in their meaning;
wrap myself
in their warmth.

But these thoughts lack possibility.
Existence in itself is cruel.

Because you are not you.
You do not exist,
as far as this moment is concerned.

And this moment
is all I know.

But if you are not
who you cannot
or will not
be...

Then who am I?

Push The Little Daisies

He was so young.
Head tilted toward the ground
Shyly extending his hand.
A bouquet,
For the first girl he ever loved.

Gathering the courage to look up,
He caught her eye.

At an age when dolls could pass the afternoon,
And the sound of ice cream trucks sent excitement
Down their still-growing spines,
- she did not understand the concept of love.
She did not understand what he asked of her.

So she ran.
And he was left alone.
With little boy tears,
And a handful of wilting daisies.

He awoke with a start.
A man; Not a boy.
Alone.
Life had cruelly passed him by.
But some things remained the same.

Love continued to run away.
Over and over in his mind.
And he would forever chase her,
With wilted daisies
And a hopeful heart.

The look in her eyes had haunted the boy,
And so haunted the man.

He Knows That The Taste Is Such, Such To Die For

I started today by crying.
Just after midnight. Couldn't stop it.
For a lot of the day, it continued. Random times, random reasons.
The tears have a mind of their own and I'm helpless to stop them.

This doesn't happen all the time.
But there are certain days, like today, where the depression knocks me on my ass and leaves me breathless.
Mock me, if you must.
That just means you're lucky enough not to know what it feels like.
I realize it's a chemical imbalance, and there are triggers.
Dirty, nasty little triggers.

I am lonely.
Not just lonely, but alone.
I am rarely able to leave my house for more than a walk with my dog.
And so, I sit here. Alone. And I stew.
On some occasions I welcome the silence and enjoy the peace.
But most of the time I just feel hollowed out. Like my entire life is being lived elsewhere;
Without me.

I speak to my friends, and it usually revolves around the words
"I miss you".
I may be a passing thought to them, but they are in my head daily.
And some contact leaves me confused.
Words of love; words of sadness; words of hurt.
And then it all boils down to hurt.
Kept within arm's reach,
Thrown out with the trash,
Brought back in for a hug of comfort and need.
Only to start the cycle again.
Over and over, I yell to myself.
"Let go!"
But the loneliness won't let me.

Fake a smile.
Pretend.
They'll believe me.

I desperately long to get to where I should be.
It seems the harder I work to get there, the less likely it is.
Positivity is waning.
I know my worth and what I deserve.
I HAVE to get there.

But I worry so much
That it'll be too late by then.
And the life I craved will have passed me by.

Today was a low today.
So, too, will tomorrow be.
But low or not, I must push forward.
Or lose everything to time.

Timeline from 19

I left because I lost that feeling.

Said "yes" because I wanted more.

Cried because you gave no reason.

Laughed because you crawled right back.

I quit because I needed something.

I started 'cause it felt so free.

Said "bye" because it wasn't working.

Said "hi" because I took a chance.

I moved because of new beginnings.

Struggled 'cause life tests your strength.

I worked because I found my place.

Ate little 'cause there was no choice.

I loved because the heart is giving.

But lost because we couldn't win.

Cried once more for all that mattered.

And left to start it all again...