Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Run Around On Me, Die Without

Not too long ago, my mom and I were talking, and she told me something that was somehow surprising yet not unfamiliar. While I don't recall it word for word, the gist looks like this:

"You love to be loved. You love being in love with someone, being loved, and being in relationships.

But you don't love yourself, and you never have. You can't have love with someone else if you don't love yourself. It won't work. You need to know you can always depend on you."

I've heard most of these words many times in my life. Especially the "you don't love yourself" part.

Ask my ex. My counsellor. Friends. Family. Hell, even strangers who just met me.

It has apparently always been a very obvious fact that I was not my own fan, yet I'd disagree with anyone who told me that. While fully admitting to being insecure, I'd always follow up with the ol' "I'm a cool chick. I'm smart. I'm fun. What's not to love? Sure, I love me!"

Liar, liar...

Are you guys ready for it? Cuz this doesn't happen often. Hardly ever, really. But...

You all were right. Happy?

A lot of the time I detested who I was. I never thought I was good enough because I let other people make me feel that way. From childhood to adulthood, I completely bought into the negatives that I was told by people who knew I was an easy target.

It ruined a lot of things for me.

In certain relationships, I always worried that the person I loved wished they were with someone else. Someone smarter, prettier, better... The key word was always "better". And maybe they did wish for someone better. But those who didn't, those who felt truly lucky and happy to be in love with the imperfect me? I pushed them away with my worries. More than once, I've pushed them away. My walls were high; often unscalable.

I've broken people while breaking myself.

This is what being alone is all about. You get to know yourself, and re-calculate who you are. It's new to me; I had never been alone. This was a long time coming.

I posted that letter to myself  to show what I had learned.

Because while it's true that I love to love, be loved, and am happiest in relationships - I can also finally say that I'm happy with me.  I'm not perfect, and I still have insecurities. Hell, I'm human. But I am also pretty great, and I deserve great things. We all do.

I'm well aware of the fact that I do things knowing I may be hurt. I've given others the power to hurt me, and have often hurt myself in the process. But in a strange way that I expect no one else to understand, I allow things to happen because I do love and respect myself more now. I sometimes just expect the same respect from others.

It is hardwired in our brains to automatically be afraid that we aren't good enough or that we don't have enough. This is a fact. I fell into the first category, and am now learning how to control it. Have you?

So... Other than to let you know that you were right, this long-winded post is not for you. It's for me.

In fact, this entire blog is not for you. It's for me. Each entry is a key step in a long process that gets me to where I want to be. I write them, I read them, I re-read them, I learn.

I'm nowhere near "good", but I'm better than I've been.

This chapter is closed.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Only In Dreams

A year of vindication
is nothing to boast.
What's the use in being right
when wrong could mean contentment?
I could thank my instincts
for always correctly raising the white flag,
And then apologize
for ignoring it. Or trying to.
Ignorance may be bliss
but knowledge brings reality
(while simultaneously making one crazy).
So, to my life and those playing parts in it,
Thank you.
For proving what I've always known -
That I am always right.
Except, of course,
when I am completely
and utterly
wrong.