Friday, June 11, 2010

He Knows That The Taste Is Such, Such To Die For

I started today by crying.
Just after midnight. Couldn't stop it.
For a lot of the day, it continued. Random times, random reasons.
The tears have a mind of their own and I'm helpless to stop them.

This doesn't happen all the time.
But there are certain days, like today, where the depression knocks me on my ass and leaves me breathless.
Mock me, if you must.
That just means you're lucky enough not to know what it feels like.
I realize it's a chemical imbalance, and there are triggers.
Dirty, nasty little triggers.

I am lonely.
Not just lonely, but alone.
I am rarely able to leave my house for more than a walk with my dog.
And so, I sit here. Alone. And I stew.
On some occasions I welcome the silence and enjoy the peace.
But most of the time I just feel hollowed out. Like my entire life is being lived elsewhere;
Without me.

I speak to my friends, and it usually revolves around the words
"I miss you".
I may be a passing thought to them, but they are in my head daily.
And some contact leaves me confused.
Words of love; words of sadness; words of hurt.
And then it all boils down to hurt.
Kept within arm's reach,
Thrown out with the trash,
Brought back in for a hug of comfort and need.
Only to start the cycle again.
Over and over, I yell to myself.
"Let go!"
But the loneliness won't let me.

Fake a smile.
They'll believe me.

I desperately long to get to where I should be.
It seems the harder I work to get there, the less likely it is.
Positivity is waning.
I know my worth and what I deserve.
I HAVE to get there.

But I worry so much
That it'll be too late by then.
And the life I craved will have passed me by.

Today was a low today.
So, too, will tomorrow be.
But low or not, I must push forward.
Or lose everything to time.